Body image

“Maturity is that time when the mirrors in our mind turn to windows and instead of seeing the reflection of ourselves we see others.”

What was my true defining moment in deciding to have surgery? There are so many....but the "ah ha" moment came when I read an article about a girl who had body dysmorphic syndrome. She was 98lbs and when she looked in the mirror she saw a fat girl.

I realized at that moment that I had body dysmorphic syndrome to a degree....just the opposite way. Remember those moments when you would look at a fat person and think,"do they not know how fat they are.". I can honestly say that I didn't know. I mean I knew I was bigger than my friends, and I wanted to be a smaller size. I knew I needed to lose weight and that I had stopped going to the gym. I knew I hated my stomach and I hard large boobs. THIS I knew, but I didn't realize I was "that" chick.

I still don't feel that big....see, when I look in the mirror I see things I don't like but I like myself in general. That is where we fail ourselves, we are told to love who is on the inside and not worry about the outside. It isn't that I stopped caring about how I looked, I just didn't "see" what others saw...was it a self protection built into my mind?

I have to say though, I'm glad I've been fat. Yep...you read that right. I had to learn who I was. See when you are skinny (and I was a tiny thing before kids, so I have every right to say what I'm about to say) people treat you differently. This is a sad fact in our world. It is a documented fact, as many tv shows have done shows where the tv host dresses fat (Tyra Banks comes to mind) and the host is SHOCKED at how differently she is treated. Anyways, when you are fat you have develop your personality in order to be liked. You can't rely on looks. You don't get compliments on your looks, you don't get things for free because someone thinks you're cute.

When you are fat people don't see the you that is hidden, so you have to show them. I didn't know who I was. It was in the layers of chub that I found who I was, what I loved, who loved me for me, and everything in between. There were tears over comments people made about my weight that caused me to grow a thicker skin. There were moments in which I saw how others were being treated and it angered me. There were moments that I thought I wanted to be friends with someone till I realized how they truly were on the inside. There are so many things I've learned these past 5 years in the heavyweights.....so many things.

So, in the end I am ok with the path I've had to go down because the smile in the mirror may have had a double chin, but I didn't see that. What I saw was a mother of 5, a daughter, a wife, a friend....I saw who I was not what the world thought I was. I saw the reflection of life.