There are moments in life, nothing more. There are moments of sadness, anger, frustration. There are moments of joy, happiness, excitement, love. Life is made-up of A multitude of moments strung together to form our lives. Funny thing about the moments in our life is that no matter how big or how small we see our lives they are exactly where they are because of how we chose to feel in each moment.
Our lives aren't something complex to be figured out on some infinite chalk board with mathmatical equations. Our lives are some huge question to ponder and to come to a conclusion about. Our lives are quite simply....a series of moments caused by our ever changing emotions.
Where things get complicated is how our lives fit in with others. This is how I felt at one point....I felt that my life wasn't just about my choices in the moment. For years I have felt my life was simply the summation of others. My life, I wrongly felt was largely the result of what others did or did not do.
One day I came to the realization that my life is just that....mine. I can't control anything in this world. I can't control my friends happiness with me, my husband's frustration with work, my mother and well...my mother. I can't control my sister, my Dad....anyone. I can't even control if the waitress brings the right order out to the table when we go out to eat. Seems scary doesn't it? I had come to the realization I have NO CONTROL! I had tried so hard. I would use emotion to control others. I'd get sad....angry....frustrated....jealous....you name it, I'd feel it when dealing with others. This isn't to say I wasn't a pleaSant person. I wasn't an emotional freak who'd fly off the handle with anyone and everyone. I just let my emotions show and wasn't afraid to let others know when I had been hurt. I used guilt to control others.
It was the moment that I realized the only person I could...or had the right to control was myself. I couldn't make a friend spend time with me because of guilt...how Christian is that? I couldn't make my husband work less because I was lonely....how loving would that be? I realized that I had been using guilt to manipulate others. This realization gave me a HUGE sense of power and made me feel strong and assertive. I finally stopped working on others and started working on myself.
If I saw someone do something I didn't like, I made a mental note to not repeat that action. I became kinder, more forgiving and I truly started to appreciate myself and started to have a sense of belonging in the world. I realized the moments I was letting define my character were moments in which others had been involved. It was in church that I let go of the dark corners of my heart and let the light shine fully.
The secret to what I found was simply by realizing the only person in my life I had any control over was myself. I had a choice. When sad I could choose sadness or joy. When mad I could choose anger or forgiveness. When frustrated I could choose frustration or peace. In the process I have made others mad! They want to get me angry and can't.
This isn't to say I don't get mad or sad or frustrated. I just let myself have my moment and then move on. I don't dwell on it. If I want to be mad I will give myself a set amount of time and then move on. I don't let the actions of others define who I am becoming.
See, in the end our life is just choices and moments. We can choose to live in the past moments or live in the current moment. We have so few moments in life, any emotion left but happiness is one emotion to many. We have to stop worrying about control and just worry about joy. Don't ever let someone steal your joy.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Body image
“Maturity is that time when the mirrors in our mind turn to windows and instead of seeing the reflection of ourselves we see others.”
What was my true defining moment in deciding to have surgery? There are so many....but the "ah ha" moment came when I read an article about a girl who had body dysmorphic syndrome. She was 98lbs and when she looked in the mirror she saw a fat girl.
I realized at that moment that I had body dysmorphic syndrome to a degree....just the opposite way. Remember those moments when you would look at a fat person and think,"do they not know how fat they are.". I can honestly say that I didn't know. I mean I knew I was bigger than my friends, and I wanted to be a smaller size. I knew I needed to lose weight and that I had stopped going to the gym. I knew I hated my stomach and I hard large boobs. THIS I knew, but I didn't realize I was "that" chick.
I still don't feel that big....see, when I look in the mirror I see things I don't like but I like myself in general. That is where we fail ourselves, we are told to love who is on the inside and not worry about the outside. It isn't that I stopped caring about how I looked, I just didn't "see" what others saw...was it a self protection built into my mind?
I have to say though, I'm glad I've been fat. Yep...you read that right. I had to learn who I was. See when you are skinny (and I was a tiny thing before kids, so I have every right to say what I'm about to say) people treat you differently. This is a sad fact in our world. It is a documented fact, as many tv shows have done shows where the tv host dresses fat (Tyra Banks comes to mind) and the host is SHOCKED at how differently she is treated. Anyways, when you are fat you have develop your personality in order to be liked. You can't rely on looks. You don't get compliments on your looks, you don't get things for free because someone thinks you're cute.
When you are fat people don't see the you that is hidden, so you have to show them. I didn't know who I was. It was in the layers of chub that I found who I was, what I loved, who loved me for me, and everything in between. There were tears over comments people made about my weight that caused me to grow a thicker skin. There were moments in which I saw how others were being treated and it angered me. There were moments that I thought I wanted to be friends with someone till I realized how they truly were on the inside. There are so many things I've learned these past 5 years in the heavyweights.....so many things.
So, in the end I am ok with the path I've had to go down because the smile in the mirror may have had a double chin, but I didn't see that. What I saw was a mother of 5, a daughter, a wife, a friend....I saw who I was not what the world thought I was. I saw the reflection of life.
What was my true defining moment in deciding to have surgery? There are so many....but the "ah ha" moment came when I read an article about a girl who had body dysmorphic syndrome. She was 98lbs and when she looked in the mirror she saw a fat girl.
I realized at that moment that I had body dysmorphic syndrome to a degree....just the opposite way. Remember those moments when you would look at a fat person and think,"do they not know how fat they are.". I can honestly say that I didn't know. I mean I knew I was bigger than my friends, and I wanted to be a smaller size. I knew I needed to lose weight and that I had stopped going to the gym. I knew I hated my stomach and I hard large boobs. THIS I knew, but I didn't realize I was "that" chick.
I still don't feel that big....see, when I look in the mirror I see things I don't like but I like myself in general. That is where we fail ourselves, we are told to love who is on the inside and not worry about the outside. It isn't that I stopped caring about how I looked, I just didn't "see" what others saw...was it a self protection built into my mind?
I have to say though, I'm glad I've been fat. Yep...you read that right. I had to learn who I was. See when you are skinny (and I was a tiny thing before kids, so I have every right to say what I'm about to say) people treat you differently. This is a sad fact in our world. It is a documented fact, as many tv shows have done shows where the tv host dresses fat (Tyra Banks comes to mind) and the host is SHOCKED at how differently she is treated. Anyways, when you are fat you have develop your personality in order to be liked. You can't rely on looks. You don't get compliments on your looks, you don't get things for free because someone thinks you're cute.
When you are fat people don't see the you that is hidden, so you have to show them. I didn't know who I was. It was in the layers of chub that I found who I was, what I loved, who loved me for me, and everything in between. There were tears over comments people made about my weight that caused me to grow a thicker skin. There were moments in which I saw how others were being treated and it angered me. There were moments that I thought I wanted to be friends with someone till I realized how they truly were on the inside. There are so many things I've learned these past 5 years in the heavyweights.....so many things.
So, in the end I am ok with the path I've had to go down because the smile in the mirror may have had a double chin, but I didn't see that. What I saw was a mother of 5, a daughter, a wife, a friend....I saw who I was not what the world thought I was. I saw the reflection of life.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Life Shrinks or Expands in Proportion to One's Courage
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage-Anais Nin
I find so much truth in this simple quote. Close your eyes and picture a baby and their first steps...what occurs after those first steps changes the direction of everyone around them. When my children started walking in opened a world of discovery, adventure, joy, pain, tears, excitement and fun. In the world beyond crawling or rolling around like a little drunken ball of joy there is a life waiting to be discovered.
I can look back and see so many moments in life that I let fear close in on me and almost paralyze me. Ever since the birth of my 3rd child I have had an intense fear of heights...bridges, elevators, piers...if it is higher than a deck I'm freaking out. I was driving in Washington in 2005, I made a couple of wrong turns and ended up driving across the Puget sound bridge into Gig Harbor. I didn't realize I was about to go over a bridge until I was ON the bridge with nowhere to go. My body completely froze. I was so scared I almost just stopped the car in the middle of the bridge! I had a brief thought in my head of " don't be THAT woman on the news!" I had nowhere to go but straight. It took every ounce of power I had to keep going.
My kids and I made it across and we saw a beautiful island and I will never forget the water and the beach and the sun. I remember that what I saw was more magnificent that anything I've seen before or since. It was truly worth the fear I felt and I crossed back over the bridge without the fear I had felt because I knew life would go on and I was made better because I conquered my fear.
If we go through life yielding to our fears we would simply lay there. We wouldn't even stand. It takes courage to walk, to talk, to run, to think and to love. I've spent my life conquering fears without even realizing it and had I not I would not be living I would be waiting. I let go of my fear of another heartbreak and learned to love again. I let go of my fear of would I be a good mom and have 5 beautiful children. It is in letting go of fear that we truly find the life God wants us to live.
We can take comfort in the walls of our home and be just fine. We can live our lives vicariously through the people on tv. We can spend our days waiting to die because the opinions of others is to hard to take. The heights of the bridge are to high to handle. The fear of love is too risky. The fear of difficult...too easy...too much...too little. No matter what you look at in life there is someone who has fear in regards to it. We can take comfort in the four walls of our home and never have to worry we will experience any of it.
...or we can master it. Imagine life with the mastery of all fear. Imagine a life where you weren't scared of losing everything but only could see what you would gain if you did it. Imagine skydiving, swimming with sharks, falling in love and starting a family. Imagine walking into an office and landing a job. Starting your dream business...starting your dreams in general. Imagine a life where if you took strength in your own joy, you could accomplish anything.
That life exists now! Life doesn't have to be an all or nothing ride...but it has to be a something ride. You can live in the four walls of your own fears for the rest of your life and find comfort there or you can expand your life by finding your courage and follow it like a northern star. It truly is that magical. Just like a northern star shines and people follow, let your courage guide you into a life of infinite possibilities. Let go of your fears, find courage and live.
I find so much truth in this simple quote. Close your eyes and picture a baby and their first steps...what occurs after those first steps changes the direction of everyone around them. When my children started walking in opened a world of discovery, adventure, joy, pain, tears, excitement and fun. In the world beyond crawling or rolling around like a little drunken ball of joy there is a life waiting to be discovered.
I can look back and see so many moments in life that I let fear close in on me and almost paralyze me. Ever since the birth of my 3rd child I have had an intense fear of heights...bridges, elevators, piers...if it is higher than a deck I'm freaking out. I was driving in Washington in 2005, I made a couple of wrong turns and ended up driving across the Puget sound bridge into Gig Harbor. I didn't realize I was about to go over a bridge until I was ON the bridge with nowhere to go. My body completely froze. I was so scared I almost just stopped the car in the middle of the bridge! I had a brief thought in my head of " don't be THAT woman on the news!" I had nowhere to go but straight. It took every ounce of power I had to keep going.
My kids and I made it across and we saw a beautiful island and I will never forget the water and the beach and the sun. I remember that what I saw was more magnificent that anything I've seen before or since. It was truly worth the fear I felt and I crossed back over the bridge without the fear I had felt because I knew life would go on and I was made better because I conquered my fear.
If we go through life yielding to our fears we would simply lay there. We wouldn't even stand. It takes courage to walk, to talk, to run, to think and to love. I've spent my life conquering fears without even realizing it and had I not I would not be living I would be waiting. I let go of my fear of another heartbreak and learned to love again. I let go of my fear of would I be a good mom and have 5 beautiful children. It is in letting go of fear that we truly find the life God wants us to live.
We can take comfort in the walls of our home and be just fine. We can live our lives vicariously through the people on tv. We can spend our days waiting to die because the opinions of others is to hard to take. The heights of the bridge are to high to handle. The fear of love is too risky. The fear of difficult...too easy...too much...too little. No matter what you look at in life there is someone who has fear in regards to it. We can take comfort in the four walls of our home and never have to worry we will experience any of it.
...or we can master it. Imagine life with the mastery of all fear. Imagine a life where you weren't scared of losing everything but only could see what you would gain if you did it. Imagine skydiving, swimming with sharks, falling in love and starting a family. Imagine walking into an office and landing a job. Starting your dream business...starting your dreams in general. Imagine a life where if you took strength in your own joy, you could accomplish anything.
That life exists now! Life doesn't have to be an all or nothing ride...but it has to be a something ride. You can live in the four walls of your own fears for the rest of your life and find comfort there or you can expand your life by finding your courage and follow it like a northern star. It truly is that magical. Just like a northern star shines and people follow, let your courage guide you into a life of infinite possibilities. Let go of your fears, find courage and live.
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